december

finals studying brings back the vain longings to make my living as a slam poet.

Thanksgiving Reverie

small common graces:
- accelerating in a motor vehicle (car) while the turning autumn leaves sweep across the streets, being blown by gentle gusts of wind.
- freshly baked shortbread cookie, courtesy of mother.
- freshly baked choco chip cookie, courtesy of mother.

big time graces:
- the blood of Christ washing over my sinfulness, undeservedly.
- the steadfast love of a Heavenly Father, despite my instability in my relationship with Him.

Little by little, I am learning more that what God thinks is great, is so so different than what myself or the world thinks is great.  I look at myself from the world’s eyes, and see that in many ways I have so much going for me.  I tell an elderly couple from Modesto that I’m from [wealthy] Palo Alto, and see them respond with impressed smiles.   I tell a girl from community college that I’m an engineer at UCLA, and watch her eyes widen with envy.  I stare at friends blankly and for some reason they think I’m thinking something deep and profound (when really my thoughts are as empty as my expression).   There are so many stepping stones laid out before me that I can stand on to assert my importance or authority:  Why you should listen to me.  Why you should respect me. Even when I want to share with people about Christ, it’s so easy to think this:  Listen to me, because I am someone you should respect – either by my upbringing, my vocabulary, even my skill in relating well with you to ease into conversation.

But all of that stuff is worthless.

Psalm 51:16-17 says,
“For you [God] will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

What impresses God is not my UCLA education.  It’s not my nice clothes.  It’s not my so-called profound thoughts.  It’s not externally religious deeds devoid of purpose.  It’s a broken and contrite heart.  It’s fearing and obeying Him.  It’s how highly I regard and boast of Jesus Christ.  That is so hard to take in.

The reason it’s hard to take in is because you don’t need to be spectacular to brag about Jesus.  You don’t need a Ph.D.  You don’t have to be good looking.  Other people who are not these things can reflect Jesus too.  Other people who are not these things, can be better at proclaiming Jesus than you who might have many of these things.  And so how do I measure in the eyes of God?  Do I count everything else as loss compared to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus?

But that’s the whole point – “God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. ” – 1 corinthians 1:28-29

So there it is.  In embracing the Gospel, I’m grouped with “the things that are not”, along with the rest of the other “things that are not” people, who in the world’s eyes aren’t that special.  We wish were were great.. but we’re not.  So recognizing that Jesus as God is great, we look stupid in the world’s eyes.  It’s a temptation to revert back and see validating qualities in myself: look at my hometown.  look at my degree.  look at how hardworking i am (haha uh..). And it’s not that these things are bad.  They’re all gifts from God.  But where do I find my confidence?  When I come talk to you, why am I confident in my words?  Where do I find my grounding?  My authority?

At church I met this girl who is working 2 jobs at the UPS store and the Ross across the street. (our church is big enough so you don’t know everyone)  She didn’t go to college.  She’s not from a wealthy family or anything.  In some ways you could say her life is not glamorous by any means.  Yet she brims with delight and pride in Jesus.  And so I know that in those moments she is millions of times more pleasing to God than in the moments when I come talking to you with anything other than Jesus as my confidence.   Jesus, the brightest shining star that goes most undervalued in my heart every day.  But still the brightest light regardless.

A NorCal Thanksgiving

Sighh..  THIS is why Norcal rocks!  soo pretty..

Grad App. Essays

Integrity. Honesty.  Truth.  And.. Answer the question!!

list of things i like…

- engineering paper

- double-double with onions, fries, and a water.

to be updated progressively..

my apartment

man, the quarter is flying by really fast.   Things have been really busy lately, and the next week looks to be about the same.

I just wanted to say that I really like my apartment alot.  (both the place, and the people).  Tonight, benson was making hashbrowns from scratch, and as I watched him squeeze the potato shreddings with his hands to drain it, before tossing it in to deep fry (and set off the fire alarm for the millionth time), I couldn’t help but laugh at the randomness.  Man, God really brought some really odd and obscure characters (if only you saw how different each of our dinners look) together in our place, but it’s so cool to watch them grow.

senior year

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. – romans 5

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“grace”

G5485  χάρις

charis  (khar’-ece)

From G5463; graciousness (as gratifying), of manner or act (abstract or concrete; literal, figurative or spiritual; especially the divine influence upon the heart, and its reflection in the life; including gratitude): – acceptable, benefit, [unmerited] favour, gift, grace (-ious), joy liberality, pleasure, thank (-s, -worthy).

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how sweet is the favor of God.   Exude and reflect and BE all about this, utterly and entirely…

[end summer here]

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for myself, so i never forget

Art, and Humanity

I’ve realized something (maybe not so extraordinary) about myself…….  I like pretty things!

Kind’ve reflecting on what my goals are in studying engineering, and what I enjoy about it (trust me, it was forced haha) – and I realize that in argument form (i.e. essays), I always appeal to my audience from an aesthetic perspective!    There is elegance in the solution!   Dignity in the strength and solidarity!  Brilliance in the structural curves!  Oh, Praise God for pre-stressed concrete!!

Why??  Why not simply state that “my engineering coursework has sufficiently prepared me to analyze structural loads and promptly meet project deadlines”?  Why the appeal to something transcendent of the work itself?  Why the higher virtue in a supposedly technical field?  Or, why even higher virtues in any work?

I’m not sure if this makes me unusual, or just human.  Maybe there shouldn’t be a distinction between North and South Campus (math/science vs. liberal arts)  You find your art in your art.. and I find my art in my concrete block (which is sometimes that guy’s artwork as well, hahaha)

Haha. Truthfully this viewpoint feels partially forced when you’re calculating the displacement of indeterminate structural members, and your buddy alex is learning about the color wheel.  (haha jk alex!!)

owned

Every person is as close or intimate with God, as he has chosen to be. – J. Oswald Sanders

notice that this is different than ‘as close as he would like to be’