Sometimes (maybe frequently) I go through these “Van Gogh”-like moments of inner turmoil and torment, where my knuckles are clutched and my eyes shut tightly, and I just feel like screaming, but don’t.  Sometimes (maybe frequently) I am living Romans 7 where “I do what I do not want to do”, and I just feel frustrated with myself.

But for all my fretting, self-deprecating journaling, and inner angst, I know that the answer to the question above makes all the difference b/w something pleasing to the Lord and a waste of breath.

Hebrews 12:17 scares me, and I don’t want that to characterize my heart.  I know that my motives are always mixed, and that my will and feelings are swirled together in a sticky mess that is fitting only of humanity.  But for whatever the net balance of my will and feelings turns out to be, may it be part “b” of the question.

“Blessing is God’s provision for human flourishing.  But it is also relational: to be blessed by God is not only to know God’s good gifts but to know God himself in his generous giving.”

some thoughts to follow..

Maybe this is the direction of my next stage in life..  If i’m not at work, you’ll find me in my bathrobe and slippers with a mug of “sleepy-time non caffeinated tea” on my desk.. the Korean channel droning on in the background while my parents watch dramas.. my spare time spent building accurate WWII model airplane replicas and practicing the Fox Fanfare on recorder (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGwwJEE7k48)  .. that’s not me, btw.

Oh 23 years, where have you gone?  Have I frittered away my youth?  And do you still taunt me with the thought that I may still have another 23-times-2 more years to go?  Sweet Lo, Sweet Chariot, coming for to carry me home…

..

Thank you for indulging me.  End aforementioned “moment”.

But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. – 1 Timothy 6:6-8

Starting work has sort of pushed me head first into the world of money, finances, budgeting, and planning for the future.  I guess living at home has cushioned the fall, but nevertheless, it’s still been an exciting and at times overwhelming new challenge to learn to direct a flow of income, regardless of the actual amount.

Living in the Bay Area has exacerbated the temptation to feel anxious about finances.  When I think about how much it actually costs to live here in the Bay, and compare that to what I’m currently making, it’s easy to feel helpless and out of control.  Add to that thoughts of the future and how I would ever be able to provide for myself and a potential household, and it’s even more surreal.

That’s why I’d like to let this passage guide my restless heart in 2012, and as I continue to work at my current job.  The Apostle Paul says that we can count ourselves lucky at the end of every day that we had enough food to eat, a place to stay, and some clothes on our back.  Undergirding that mentality is the knowledge that material things are only a temporary provision that we can’t take with us after death, and the belief that this life is not the end.. eternity with God awaits us who cling to Jesus.  And therefore, we will be content with whatever portion we have in this life, be it much or little.  Welcome, 2012.

I guess it goes to show that in many ways, we are the same person we were before, except for a few things here and there.  Praise God for those few things.  but yeah.  If anything, I think this just shows that we tend to forget things easily.

I’ve realized that when I’m confronted with a task I don’t want to do but know I should (for example, when spending time praying for others seems more of a chore than a delight), my unbelief in is revealed.  I know the reasoning behind it (in this instance, that God works when we pray), but disbelieve it, so I’m left with a moral argument of why to do it — “you must do this to be a good Christian”, or “God is upset with you if you don’t” — and I’ve lost the motive of love.  I’ve lost the message of grace – that God is already pleased with me b/c of Christ, and favor is mine!  Every morally motivated action reveals an area of unbelief in a Gospel motivated application to that area.

I think about how often I stop there and don’t move on – I either just shut the light and go to sleep, feeling guilty for not spending time in prayer, or I feebly mumble through a list of names out of compulsion .. or more like, self-imposed coercion.  WHY?  why do this to myself?  It’s as if this agony is somehow easier than either 1) overcoming my laziness to remind myself of why I truly pray, or 2) facing my momentary doubts that God really is who He says He is.

But, knowing that I have accepted this Gospel as truth, and God as He says he is in Scripture, it’s gotta be worthwhile to bring this truth to bear in “critical moments” – to not waste them, and merely shut off the light again.

She is not without her faults and imperfections.  I’ve already wrestled with various pangs of discontent and regret – “if only I knew about this problem before I bought it”, or “if only the sun visor didn’t flop down on my head”.  Yet what craigslist has brought together, let no man separate.  She is mine, and I will commit myself to love and care for her.  Praise the Lord for His provision!

I’ve been searching for a used car since I came back to the Bay Area (for about 2 weeks).  Wow.  I can honestly say that I did not expect it to be such a challenging, convicting, confusing, and enlightening experience. Here are a few of the highlights:

- I’ve spent endless hours on craigslist, and test driven at least 6 cars – 2 Saturn SL’s and 4-5 Civics.  Gas mileage is a priority.  So is manual transmission.  So is the “how cool Jon Wood looks driving it” factor.

- The models have ranged between 1994-1999, 40K-150K miles, and $1800-$5000.

- I drove up to SF for an appointment to test a car, only to receive a message from the owner learning that she had sold it in between our phone call and the appointment (that was part of the “Heartbreak”)

- I’ve learned what a really bad clutch feels like, how to check the tread of a tire, and that not all cars come with power steering or AC.

- It’s really hard to drive without power steering.

- I’ve learned to ask about the timing belt, clutch, brakes, and water pump, and that usually owners of cars this old have no idea (or record) if any of that work has been done to the car.

Lastly, I’ve experienced more of something that I already knew.. my dad and I have very different philosophies about buying a car.  I think here is where God is really challenging the way I think about things.

My dad is the most pragmatic car owner you will ever meet.  Forget the idea of “buying nicer cars as you grow older”, or “value in quality assurance”.  For the past 30 years he has bought junk cars <$1000, cars in the $1000-3000 range, or maybe if we’re (the family) is lucky, as much as $5000.  These aren’t bad cars necessarily, though.  He is a super stickler that all maintenance reports are up to date, and that the car is in tip top shape (for the age of their parts), and that the price is either at or below the Kelley Blue Book values.  Then he’ll drive it until it breaks down and dies.  Oftentimes, he can squeeze in a good 5-10 years out of the car before needing a replacement.  You have to admit, economically, it is the most cost-efficient way to transport your way around.  My mom, however, doesn’t share the same joyful sentiment that he does.  (I think she finds a sense of security in a more costly yet reliable alternative).

Anyhow.  I think I line up much more like my mom in terms of our “buying philosophy” (buy something that your heart desires and that doesn’t embarrass you in public, but also is reasonable specs/pricing wise, whereas my dad is good at ignoring the first part).  But seeing as how my dad has graciously offered to buy my first car for me (yay! of course, I’ll take the insurance and gas payments), it’s not exactly my money to spend as I please.  And not only that, I value his many years of car buying experience and wouldn’t want to make a purchase without his advice.  So it’s not so much a compromise that’s going on, as it is a ridiculously tight filter for the cars we are evaluating – his requirements with my own preferences superimposed on top.

But putting our own personality/buying philosophies aside, you have the reasoning of an older man vs. the reasoning of a young adult.  The older man clearly prioritizes practicality over any sort of external qualities, and the young adult cannot help but long for more horsepower, a shiny coat of paint, and perhaps a rear spoiler!  It’s strange – I didn’t really think of myself as someone who would be tempted to place my identity in the “hotness” of my car (I did drive my parent’s cars all through highschool/college afterall), but throughout this process I have really been questioning just how free from that snare I am (as I find myself contesting hotly against cars my dad suggests solely on the basis that it’s old and ugly)

Not only that, I’ve found myself impatient and anxious to JUST GET A CAR!  Tonight, we looked at a really nice Civic EX coupe that I felt my heart becoming strongly attached to.  I was ready to make an emotional purchase, but my dad essentially refused the car based on the fact that it was mildly overpriced for the condition it was in.  I’ve gotten to process it a bit more, but in the moment, my thoughts were remarkably rationale – “I LIKE IT AND I WANT IT, AND I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH MAINTENANCE WILL COST!!!”  As I reflected on the argument of my reasoning, it resonated strongly with two things – one, a child’s reasoning, and two, our reasoning when we give ourselves into sin.   I couldn’t believe how strong the similarities were.. when I give myself into sin, the only strength of my argument is “I WANT” – it doesn’t matter how practical my desire is, how evil in nature, how hurtful the consequences will be.. it only matters that I want.

I’ve also experienced the hope and anticipation that comes with each new prospect as I make my way over to investigate, and the small sense of heartbreak when each one doesn’t work out. As discouragement mounts, i’m forced to find my sense of wholeness in Christ and not in the wholeness I might expect to find in the right car. Truly I know that man was not meant to be hopping around from car to car “testing the waters” forever, but rather committed to one car till death do us part. This takes time to find, and cannot be rushed.

This post is getting long and rambling, so I’ll wrap it up.  Suffice it to say, the car search has been laborsome to say the least.  I do think that my dad’s pickiness and my “desire for a normal looking car” (to use biased phrasing) will make finding a car challenging.  But I think I’ve been exposed to many attitudes and desires in my heart that surprised me, and the lessons God is trying to teach me are patience, humility, and a prayerful  disposition.  Maybe I can get more than a nice, cost-efficient car out of this .. Afterall, you can’t have a healthy relationship with your car if you have an unhealthy perspective about your car.

I am super thankful for Google Voice.  I hadn’t even thought of using it to call home, but while using internet at my uncle’s and staring at my gmail page, the thought suddenly occurred to me to call home using the voice option..  After a successful run, I ended up using it pretty often throughout the week to call the US without any charge.

This totally sounds like an advertisement for google haha.. but it’s not, and unfortunately I’m not getting paid for it.  I guess it’s just an instance where I felt technology was a nice blessing from God.  Most other times I’m usually more ungrateful for technology, b/c of the complications I feel it adds to life.